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Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 07:31 pm It's hard sometimes . . .
I feel: melancholy
What I can hear: Cold Case
Alright so I haven't been here in awhile. Life stuff, real fun I can barely contain myself. Wrote a letter to the guy I had a crush on and was talked out of sending it, since it's kinda a highschool thing to do, so he still doesn't know. My writing is there and coming along, for the most part. My work is up and down as usual, never have the security or money that I need to move out but hopefully to go on my trip to Chicago.

And then all of those little things in life that get ya down went away with the death of someone I know. Car accident. I can't remember if it was a drunk driver or icy roads but either way her funeral was on Friday. I didn't know her very well, we went to the same college together and talked a few times, saw her at her work. But I still knew her, and it's such a sad thing, but we always need to remember.
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Jan. 13th, 2005 @ 10:07 pm Stupid bloody computer . . .
I feel: sleepy
What I can hear: Some kind of bell, not sure where it is.
So yeah, two weeks without a working computer except for one hour throughout the whole thing where it did work, not fun. Just when we thought it was all fixed suddenly the whole tower just turned off. And it wouldn't start up again. Press the power button and nothing, reboot or restart or whatever that other button is supposed to do, nothing. So we set up our little computer that has older software but still allows newer programs. No internet connection. So if anyone is looking for me and I can't be found, it's probably because the computer is being a bastard. Having said that, I've actually got a lot of reading done and have been working on my story which makes me happy. So maybe it's a good thing, I might start spending less time on it. Shock of shocks, Breanne not on the computer, it's almost unheard of!!! All well, there's more to life, maybe I'll finally finish my story so I can get started on my other one. I can't stop an idea for another, it just doesn't work.
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Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 08:04 pm Computers are the tool of the Devil
I feel: hopeful
What I can hear: LOTR: FOTR extended
Alright, after many many headaches I now have a working computer again. It seems that a virus invaded us and although we had an antivirus scanner on the computer before, it didn't seem to pick it up. I swear those things are just way more annoying then they're worth. So we had to reformat the entire hard drive which means taking everything out that we want to keep and scraping the rest into computer oblivion. Easy, right? No of course not, that would be the easy way and for anyone who knows my family, if there is a hard way of doing something we will either choose that way or have it thrust upon us. So the first time I did it, it sorta worked getting rid of some of the stuff on our computer but not all so the internet kinda worked (and by this time I had been going about 5 or 6 days without it, msn worked yes, but we couldn't access any webpages) but it was really slow and liked to freeze a lot and we got all this crap coming up everytime we booted up. So I did it again and it worked a little better, still getting crap up everytime we started the computer but the webpages were coming up faster but . . . no internet connection. I now loathe the words "This page cannot be displayed"; before they were just annoying, but now I hate them. So we call up the service guys and they tell us that they can't do anything because from what they can see the internet is working fine and our computer has no problems. F**K YOU!!! There is to a problem!!! *sigh* Fine, we'll do this one last time and hope it works. Scrap the hard drive and reformat. YAY!! It worked. Everything is cleaned out, no viruses and it's all working beautifully. Hopefully it stays that way.
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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 10:25 pm Bittersweet, as always . . .
I feel: excited
What I can hear: A really annoying football game.
So another round of LCT has come and gone. 21 years is a really long time and we're still going. I'm glad it's over but it's still sad because it is a lot of fun, good times with people. But next year we can do it all again, where we'll love it and hate it. So now it's back to the "real" world, I'm almost done my Christmas shopping, tomorrow I'm hoping to get the last of it finished, with the exception of a food product that I'll have to get sooner to the 25th. And of course, LOTR: ROTK extended edition comes out tomorrow, and I will be getting it, if of course it isn't sold out by the time I get there. Not too early, it's fricken freezing out there. Work is going on as usual, but I'm getting a lot of hours since it's Christmas, so I'll be able to save up for the trip to Chicago and hopefully another tattoo. I've got the itch. Hurts like a bee-otch but so worth it in the end.
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Dec. 6th, 2004 @ 10:48 pm So very tired
I feel: lethargic
What I can hear: Harry Potter 3
Dress rehearsals for LCT on Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday off which was nice, and then opening night Friday, I had to open the store by 9 on a Saturday morning plus two shows that same day at 2 and 7:30 which means that I couldn't go home in between, and then another show last night. Granted I slept all day yesterday until I had to go in the evening, but I forgot to take my meds (anti-depressants) and was really out of it for most of the day and all during the performance. I still smiled though.

But now I have two days off, still have to work but it's all good. I have performances from Wednesday until Sunday, so hopefully I will survive this week. But I have to, LOTR: ROTK extended edition comes out on Tuesday and I get paid on Monday and since I only have to buy two more gifts for people, I can afford it. If that's the only thing keeping me going, then not only am I nerd to the hightest degree, but it's pretty clear evidence that I need to get out more. All well, I'll do it after Christmas is over.
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Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 07:36 pm Too busy this morning
I feel: sleepy
What I can hear: 60 Minutes
Well, it turns out the lady was not a porn recruiter, she's apart of this whole internet retail business where she gets a whole bunch of people working for her and they get a whole bunch of people working for them, and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. We went to Starbucks, she bought me tea, and we sat there and she asked me questions about my life and all that and then she went on her speech about her internet business, 5 minutes in I was bored to tears. I got the gist of it and none of it interested me but she had to go on through the whole thing and I was having a hard time paying attention and she never stopped selling the entire time. I was thinking, "I got up at 8 in the morning . . . for THIS?!?" but at the end of it all I said I wasn't interested and she did give me a ride to work which allowed me to gain an extra hour.

But then I messed up with closing last night, actually I locked the keys in the store. I couldn't get a hold of anyone to tell them, like my manager who was going to have to come down and open the door. So I had to go to church quickly to see my friend get baptized and then I had to go to work, find my co-worker there figure out that security doesn't have extra keys, my manager couldn't come down and we were going to get written up soon since we were late opening. So I got my dad to drive me to my manager's house to get the keys after he drove across the city to pick me up from church (I own him lunch now)and go back to the store to help open it. Good morning though, very busy.
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Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 10:51 pm LCT just around the corner.
I feel: content
What I can hear: Silence
Today was the first dress rehearsal for Living Christmas Tree. A lot of standing and waiting to sing but we got through it all alright, despite the fact that a major character wasn't there so the lines had to be read from a script from someone who really didn't know what they were doing. Kinda sad, but we got the gist of it. As always I get a lot of energy out of doing LCT, despite the fact that the screenplays are, however well written, a cheese fest. But, I've gotten used to it, after all Christmas is the most cheesiest time of year and people still enjoy our productions so, it's forgivable.
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Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 10:59 pm Do porn recruiters look like church ladies?
I feel: cheerful
What I can hear: Silence
I'm having a meeting with a lady who very well could be a porn recruiter. She looks like someone who could be apart of a church congregation at my old church and she asked me a lot of questions about where I work, how much I make, what are my future plans, how much money did I think I would need. She made a lot compliments about my hair and my face. She told me she ran her own internet based business and that I could earn a lot of money with her. She didn't tell me what her business was about, she doesn't have her website printed on her card despite the fact that it's an internet company and when she called me she asked me a lot of the same questions over again that she asked me two days ago, and she still didn't tell me what her business is about. She always wanted to know if I've ever thought of starting my own business (and yes I have thought about it) and that I could earn the money I needed for that working for her. I may be reading too much into this but she put me on edge and even though I'm shy around people I don't know I don't always put my guard up with strangers and can have conversations with them, so I usually trust my instinct. This lady made a few red flags come up and although I gave her my number and we have a meeting on Saturday and this may well be something harmless, I'm being very cautious, and chose a very public place for that meeting. The only reason I'm going is that I may be wrong. So we'll see how it works out. Until then I have choir practise tomorrow (hopefully this time I'll make it there) and since next week Friday is our first performance we're up in the tree so that'll be fun.
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Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:48 pm
I feel: content
What I can hear: Gormenghast
I actually got a lot done today, and I didn't even have to get dressed. I re-arranged adn cleaned out my room, cleaned the kitchen (twice), vacuumed, and did my laundry. And of course the first thing people say when they come in the door is "you haven't dressed today, have you?" and then I have to explain but, whatever. My greatest stress relief is to arrange furniture so I got a lot of energy out, plus my room looks great. And my clothes smell nice.
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Nov. 22nd, 2004 @ 09:15 pm Power out again.
I feel: calm
What I can hear: Charlotte Church
The power went out again at work. It was great, I got to be all professional as I usered people out of the store and locked all the doors. Unfortunetly, we have no emergancy lights in our store so I was blind to everything so hopefully everyone left the store. Then I went and sat with the girls from Quarks for awhile on a counter in the middle of the hallway of the mall eating popcorn and chatting. It was fun. Then we went for a walk down the mall in all that dark trying to identify everyone we knew who worked in the mall and talked to the security guards. They said that if our managers said we could leave then we could go home. So I called Stefanie (my manager) and she said I could go since the mall was empty and all the other stores were closed and the employees were all leaving. Great fun the whole thing, I love the dark.

But mom came to see me today while I was on break. Dad told her about what I said the other day (which I expected) about how mom wasn't comfortable in my home then I couldn't either. She said not to take her feelings and make them my own therefore adding more stress on to my already emotionally stressful life. I felt better after that, my dad and his girl have never made me feel alienated in the apartment and all the teasing is in good nature. I just sort of make things up in my head, I'm always expecting the bottom to drop out at any minute and if it doesn't then I start making things up so it feels like something is wrong. Not that how I feel is wrong or made up, sometimes I do feel uncomfortable or sad with my situation, but I also sometimes think that things are worse then they are. I'm doing better now, my mom came to see me and she doesn't come to my work often. I feel better about things.
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Nov. 20th, 2004 @ 10:58 pm Dreams that I make.
I feel: uncomfortable
What I can hear: DVD special features on a Johnny Depp flick
Very up and down day. Happy then disappointed, annoyed and feeling hurt, and then happy again with the return of a friend that I haven't seen in a while and then off to shopping with my mom. But I feel as though I've been in a dream for the past while, like the kind where you're falling or flying (or both) and then you wake up with a jerk and realize that you're in the same place you were when you went to bed. Then, as you remember you're dream, you know that in the dream you knew that nothing was real. I thought I was alright with everything that has happened since August, not right away, but as time went on I figured that since the dust has settled and everyone has gotten used to the way of things, then I should be alright and my stress and anxiety level should go down, but it hasn't. My mom told me today that she probably wasn't going to come over to mine and my dad's place anymore since she doesn't feel comfortable there. My mom, who has been part of my home and enviroment my entire life, is no longer comfortable where I live.

I suddenly hit the floor with a thud. I am right back where I started from, probably even closer to when my parents split the first time. I haven't really dealt with any of this, and I don't know where to start. But I do know that my comfort level in my home is very quickly declining. I need to move out soon, but first I need to get past Christmas. I'm about halfway done my shopping, and am pretty clear on what to get the rest. Journal keeping is excellent, it gets it out of my head and I type faster then I write. And since not many people know how to access this, except for the people I want, it's pretty safe. We'll see how things go, best take it a day at a time. Or some kind of cliched saying.
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Nov. 19th, 2004 @ 09:21 pm I love it when I get ideas.
I feel: artistic
What I can hear: Alicia Keys and Nelly Furtado

I feel on a creative roll today. I bought a small purse the other day so I wouldn't have to carry around my bigger one that I keep all of my writing books in, but then I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't have anything to write on, which is especially bad if I have an idea. So I went to the dollar store and bought a small notebook that is just the right fit and an idea I got in the morning I was able to express in full. Then I went Christmas shopping but was only able to get my brother's gift. I hate when that happens, but I'm going with mom tomorrow so I should be able to find something then.

I updated my "journal" that I keep (other then this one), a book where I paste all of my reciepts to keep track of what I bought on what day and it also reminds me what I did on that day. Plus, it gives me a chance to try a different art medium since I draw little pictures for the start of each month. They aren't very good, but it's fun to play with. I also need to work on a poem that will, hopefully, come out of the idea that I worked on today. If it ever turns into anything, I'll post it, but until then I'll post this one that I wrote about a year and a half ago.

Before The Son

Fire cosumes the breath escaping from you

The heat can be seen surrounding the words that are trying

To reach where the eclipse can be found

Shadowing out the light while sending away the darkness

Revealing every part of you

Until you can't even stand

Before the Son nothing can be hidden

In the end He will see those who once stood strong

And they will waver and fall

Those who were on their knees will be more beautiful then when they started

The sun shines bright as it illuminates your world

What you see is good and terrible

But there is always that light

That shows who you are in Him.

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Nov. 18th, 2004 @ 10:46 pm I hate elevators
I feel: thoughtful
What I can hear: My dad is talking to my brother on the phone
Interesting day today. The power went off at work for half an hour and as a security measure we had to close all the doors. So my manager and I, who both love being in the dark, were very hyper and jumping around. After that I went to meet my mom at work as I do whenever I can, went home and ate, and then on my way to choir practise and I was trapped in an elevator for about 2 and half hours. Tons of fun for all. I wasn't that scared though, it was just boring and I was hungry. There was nothing to sit on either.

As for choir, it's a Christmas production called The Living Christmas Tree, named thus because the choir stands in a large structure that is shaped like a gigantic Christmas tree. It's a great energy boost but I missed it and it's two weeks until our first performance, so it's a little irritating. But I do love it and it's exciting waiting for our performances. Other then that, it's been a good day. I should find out tomorrow if I get the position of assistant manager. I really hope it happens.
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Nov. 17th, 2004 @ 10:45 pm Okay, let's try this again . . .
I feel: mellow
What I can hear: Jay Leno show is on. I love him.
I've tried doing this before but it didn't seem to work. But since August 1 of this year things have been rolled over and over that it's hard to keep all things straight in my head. Let's see, my parents separated for the second time in five years. Two weeks later he started dating another lady (who is actually really nice) and a month after that she moved into our apartment. I started a new job where my security was changing every week, so my anxiety was continually changing on a daily basis and I have clinical depression so that does cause an extreme amount of stress. In the last two weeks I've had two jobs, one I was learning to be assistant manager for the first time at a new store while still trying to balance my hours and my other store. I realized (early thank God) that I wasn't going to be healthy working two jobs especially at my second one where I was supposed to be assistant manager. I found out that I could be assistant manager at my first job, or least have full time so I quit the second one and now I'm here.

I doubt many people will read this but it's a nice place to vent, among other things.
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